“You don’t name your ship Titanic 2”: this memorable line from The Beautiful South’s 1996 hit Little Blue should be taken on board by anyone looking to invent an enduring name for a product, service or company.

Why? Well let’s deal with the obvious point before looking at some of the golden rules of naming. People dumb enough to actually name their ship Titanic 2 would need a crash-course in how to avoid associating what they do with “disaster”, “loss of life” and “monumental cock-up”. The sensible advice is to stick with the names of famous ports or use nouns such as Endurance. Anything else is asking for trouble.

Of course some companies head off in the opposite direction. Their marketing people crave mysterious names which leave people scratching their heads and marvelling at the supposedly imaginative thought processes behind the choice. Google quickly became something people “do”, so it works. Customers don’t need to know what it means. Consignia, the ill-fated replacement for Royal Mail, is a pertinent example of how to run into a metaphorical iceberg by devising a name which fails to resonate with customers or staff.

Now I know the pharmaceutical industry manages to get away with all kinds of weird and wonderful names - Viagra and Zavirex are two of many examples - but that’s because a strict adherence to naming products in line with what they do would empty most chemists in two minutes flat. We’re all probably happy to let these people invent names if the alternative is standing at the front of a long line of punters and asking for coldsore cream.

Having dealt with the perils of word association, mysterious names and why we should all bow to the imaginative powers of the pharmaceutical industry, it’s time to look at some golden rules for naming a brand, service or company.

1. Define what you do in as few words as possible

2. Consult with your staff and customers

3. Draw up a shortlist of no more than five choices

4. Pick one

And....

5. Be sure you can convince the outside world of the reasons behind your choice

I’m sure there are more golden rules, so let’s start compiling them and examples of best or worst practice on naming. It will be interesting to see what people submit.

I’ll start you off with this one.

A white van parks up in the small towns and villages near me. On the side in big capital letters is written FRESH WHITBY FISH. Imagine the man’s surprise when I asked him the other day “Where are you from, what do you sell and could you comment on the quality?”

Well how was I to know!